All Non-Pro Tour Formats Should Be Banned Forever

As a professional player of professional Magic in professional tournaments, I hereby declare that all non-Pro Tour formats shall henceforth be banned forever under punishment of me crying on Twitter. Magic exists only to serve myself and others who only partake in the recreation of professional level Magic. Everyone else is a filthy peasant unfit to clean my deckbox. I don’t care if this “pauper” format is the second most played of all formats on Magic Online. Its very name speaks volumes of the crass player base besmirching the name of true grinders. How Wizards of the Coast could ever support such an uncouth format is beyond me. They have truly fallen to the darkest depths of greed to allow these “people” to think they were not only grinders but also that they were people. One cannot be a people without mastering the only format that matters: Standard. There aren’t even places to play this “pauper” format in the real world. It only exists because the dregs of Magic society have nothing else to cling to. They know they can never be a flawless man of class and taste such as myself. Instead of accepting that fact, they claim to be real players who Wizards should cater to. The fact of the matter is I don’t play pauper therefore it shouldn’t exist.

Pauper “players”, and I use “players” very loosely, are the greasiest scum in the Magic world. Pro Tour tournaments are never pauper and for good reason: It’s only played by basement dwellers living off their parents’ microwavable sandwiches and fizzy drinks. Any store that caters to pauper players should have their DCI sanctioning permanently revoked. Have you ever been in an area where pauper is cherished and celebrated? It reeks of the marihuana plant and cheesy corn chip snacks. This is neither behavior nor lifestyle one should associate professional Magic: the Gathering with.

Why won’t Wizards of the Coast annihilate this wretched format and every piece of evidence that it ever existed? I will tell you why. Money. Pure greed. Though these pauper peasants are poor, they collectively give nearly as much money to Wizards as Standard players. The people behind Magic Online know that pauper’s very existence threatens the game’s reputation but they only care for short term profits. I hope they enjoy their expensive parties with lavish alcohols and ladies of the evening because the fun will soon run out.

I refuse to stand for these transgressions. I am going to blog and tweet and post pictures of my dog until everyone bows to my whims. By the time I’m through complaining on the internet, pauper and its players will be nothing but a bad memory.

PS: Here’s a picture of my dog

my doge

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